My son is purchasing his first home and asked me along to give perspective. While watching him deal with realtors and lenders I was understandably proud, but also intrigued. You see although he doesn’t have a lot of money, he knows what he wants and keeps insisting that it is out there.
I see him get excited about a listing then when he visits it he evaluates it based on a list of non-negotiables that must be met before he will make an offer. He isn’t going to put down his hard earned money just because of emotions. Some of the houses were great, but not great for him.
The best thing however that I have observed is his refusal to approach any handy-man specials, or fixer uppers. You see he knows himself; he is not into rehabbing anything. My son is capable of much, having worked at house projects and landscaping with his dad and myself for years in our home, but he is clear that that is not where he finds his bliss. He wants a home that is move-in ready. He doesn’t want to spend his after work hours fixing up a house, nothing beyond regular maintenance. So he goes out at least 3 evenings a week and on weekends looking at homes listed in our area and within his price range.
As I sit and write about this you may wonder what is the point? The point is simply this, what are your non-negotiables when looking for a mate? Do you even know what you want or are you so focused on what you don’t want that it is all that you can see and all that you keep drawing into your life? I have met women who can speak to me for hours about all the bad, negative traits that they want to avoid in a mate, but could barely give me 3 sentences about the positive traits that they want. What you focus on is what you attract. Having a list of non-negotiables is not a bad thing, as long as it is a list of what you want and not only what you don’t want.
When you have looked for awhile and you don’t immediately see what you want, do you tend to compromise? When you compromise, you are basically saying that what I want isn’t realistic, it’s not out there, or that I am too impatient to wait for it to materialize. In my son’s case he is planning on getting a 30 year mortgage and 30 years is a long time to live with something you are not happy with. He is not looking to flip a house, he is looking to live long-term in that home. No rehabbing for him.
Are you looking for long-term, or are you thinking that if this doesn’t working out you will just “flip it” and find something else. If that is your mentality, then you will be attracted to rehab projects. You will work to improve that project until it is either rehabbed or you become tired and then will find yourself starting over again with another rehab project, hoping for better results next time.
My suggestion is, unless you like doing all that traumatic relationship work, look for a relationship that is move in ready. I don’t mean that you move into his home, but that his heart is already safe, danger free, and has space for you to comfortably exist. On your end, you should not be a rehab project yourself, because if you are a mess, all you will be doing is bringing your mess into his prepared space and making it chaotic.
Some things for you to think about as you look for a romantic partner (or a home).
Make sure that you are also healthy in the ways you approach and evaluate relationships, because you can’t bring illness into a healthy situation and expect it to stay healthy. It takes two to make a strong healthy relationship. Finding a strong safe shelter for your heart and your person is only half the equation. Do you have the skills to keep it strong and safe, do you know how to maintain and repair if damage occurs? Focus on being a Proverbs 31 woman and you will attract a Proverbs 31 man.
If this message is not for you, but as you read it you thought of someone else who needed to hear this, do them a favor and pass it on. God has given me a passion for helping young women 25-55 years of age to understand their relationship skills and challenges so that they can have a heart open to be a safe and welcoming space for a young man who has a move in ready heart prepared for a long-term commitment. www.focusedlifecoaching.org